There was an old man wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Cri-i-i-i sssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old man replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am calling my wife.

"Your wife's name is Crisco?" the clerk asked.

"Oh no, I only call her that when we're out in public."

Well what do you call her at home?

"Lard ass!"