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Thread: Ouch!

  1. #1
    Waveruiner pauladave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Clayton le Woods, North West England,UK.


    Guy walks into Toys R Us. How much for the Barbie Dolls, he asks. $25 for Horse Rider Barbie, $20 for Party Barbie, $30 for Disco Barbie, and our special offer of $135 for Divorcee Barbie, replies salesperson. Heck, that's a big difference, why so much for the Divorcee Barbie, he asks? Well, with the Divorcee Barbie, says salesperson, you get Kens House, Kens Yacht, Kens Jetski, and Kens Car!!!

    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, " I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out, " and he leaves. the couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed; the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. " What if it doesn't work? " they wondered, " Are we stuck together FOREVER? " After yet another month, St . Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. " Yes, " he informs the couple, " you CAN get married in Heaven. " " Great! " said the couple, " But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven? " St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. " What's wrong? " asked the frightened couple. " OH, COME ON! " St. Peter shouts, " It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it's going to take me to find a LAWYER? "

    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material
    we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
    sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode
    your stomach lining.

    Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
    disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused
    by the germs in our drinking water.

    But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we
    all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it
    is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after
    eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front
    row raised his hand, and softly said,

    "Wedding Cake."

  2. #2
    Waveruiner pauladave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Clayton le Woods, North West England,UK.

    Ha ha

    One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

    "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

    In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

    "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

    "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

    "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

    "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

    The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

    Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that *******ed thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

    "Amen," replied the congregation.

    You all may have figured out i have been a bachelor for many years now after having seperated from my wife.

    one of my neighbors was telling me over christmas that i need to get married again.

    "Mr Kroncke, don't let it get too late. I know exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the neighbor.

    "Don't bother," i said, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."

    "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife in the bedroom."

    "I said 'two sisters'... I didn't say they were mine

    >>>Dear mum and dad ......
    >>> A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed.
    >>> With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands.
    >>>Dear Mum and Dad,
    >>>It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've
    >>>eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice.
    >>>Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big
    >>>motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that
    >>>we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.
    >>>He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my
    >>>I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing
    >>>it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the
    >>>cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
    >>>In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so
    >>>Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.
    >>>Don' t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films
    >>>that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I
    >>>can earn a scene. I get a bonus if there are more than three men in
    >>>the scene, and an extra if they use the horse.
    >>>Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of
    >>>Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your
    >>>Your loving daughter, Aimee
    >>>Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just
    >>>wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND

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